Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just gift wrapped bread.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
