i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
