my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I smell like Dick and happiness
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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