This is not my ceiling
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
