my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
