Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
