I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
