I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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