My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
