ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
