i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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