Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he thought i was a dude.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
