In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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