my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did i walk over a car last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
