Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
