So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
