I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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