I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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