I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
