I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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