if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
