Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
