she was so not down for the gang bang
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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