My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
