im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
