On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
