he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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