i was born a porn star she said
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How does it feel to date your dad?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
