there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
