i was born a porn star she said
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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