I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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