i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
