Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
