If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
