I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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