I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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