I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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