I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
