K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
