Will you blow on my dice?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
