We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
