He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
