Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
