If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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