I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
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At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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