I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
