dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
