you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
