hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
