Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
