Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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