What did we do last night that was yellow?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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