my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
