Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
