This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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