atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
