I'm so fucking centered right now
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
